And the hits just kept on coming...

Poor Natalie hasn't been out of bed all day. Last night at 1:00 (that A.M. for you morning people like me) she woke up not feeling well at all. She need Pepcid, stat. Like a fireman springing at the rescue bell, I lept to the call of duty.

It was actually less leaping and more dragging. I wish I was better and more supportive at stuff like that, but I was groggy and probably pretty cranky. At the bottom of my heart I was glad for the opportunity to do something for her. I felt for her, but the strange commiseration of walking through a difficult time together can draw forth frustration as well as solidarity. I wanted this whole season to be over, and I certainly didn't want chapter 18 of our recent saga to begin in her at 1:00 in the morning!

Still, this morning she wasn't well. As if being pregnant isn't hard enough (not that I'd understand, of course) she now is pregnant AND sick in her stomach. If I wasn't laughing I'd be crying, and if I wasn't crying I'd be laughing.

It's times like this though that bring a person's world view into crystal clarity. It highlights how quickly I am reduced to doubt. It reveals whether I try to stifle those doubts or search for an answer that is acceptable. It uncovers whether or not I am able to walk the tight-wire of accepting suffering and pain on earth AND the goodness and sovereignty of God. Most of all, maybe it indicates how quickly I am able to get outside of myself, beyond the here and now, and realize that there is a greater cosmic picture than I regularly walk in.

I think about my friends who are, or are becoming, foster parents and how they are going to rescue a child who right now may not have access to medicine, but sadder still doesn't have access to a parent who is able or willing to procure the medicine. The greater cosmic reality is that I'm a pretty lucky guy. It doesn't diminish the stress of the past few weeks. I don't think God works that way. I think my fears and doubts and struggles are real. I just think that when they are viewed and processed well, they have the unique ability to either drive me further into myself and closer to self-destruction, or they can draw me out of myself and open my eyes to both my blessings and the sufferings around me.

I think I'm finally able, for the most part, to be thankful for the amazing run of circumstances in the past few weeks. Not all the situations are fully resolved. I'd still like to sell my van to sock a few extra bucks away for when baby Reagan comes. I'd still like to have my family well. But the greater reality is, again, that God is here. He's working and fixing, and He knows my name well enough to bring me through even this in a way that really brings glory to Him.

That's a great thought.