For one or both of us? You be the judge. Or I will. If that's alright with you.

Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Great enthusiasm. Great apathy. Blog after blog after blog. Silence. It's the continuing saga of a would-be writer, I guess. I used to always say that I wanted to write a book. I had a very wise and slightly cynical friend of mine tell me emphatically that I didn't, in fact, want to write a book but rather to have written a book. Good call. It's like playing the guitar or getting in shape. I probably don't really desire to do either of those things, but I sure would like to be on the other end of the process of having done them.

But there's a lot in life that's like that. I don't want to work on my marriage, I want to have a great one. I don't want to feed the dog, but I sure do want the dog to be healthy and active. It's a trade off of sorts, although in the long run, probably not much of one.

It's a well worn cliche that life is a journey and the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step and if you shoot for nothing you'll eventually hit it and all kinds of other "here and there" sayings that are locked and lost into our psyche. When I used to go see Phish all over the country, the travel was as much a part of the experience as anything. I remember driving across the country to the southern tip of Florida for the millenium. 12 folks in an RV for 10 days. Good times had as we sailed across the southern states taking in the scenes and drinking in the milestones... New Orleans, the mighty Mississip, the everglades... all regal in their splendor, and still only a stop on the way. The destination, had I been beamed from here to there, would have been great, but getting there and getting back are as intricately woven into the fabric of the experience as the experience itself.

Like I said, well worn and much travelled roads talking about the necessity of enjoying the road. But I started thinking about the inconsistency in my blogging. I haven't been motivated by them much. In fact, often times I read the blogs of my well spoken, well thought out friends and wish after wish that I could come up with such wonderful ideas and present them so clearly.

Jealousy is an ugly thing, and a dish best served to someone else.

And at the end of my pity party I came to realize that I've been going about this thing all wrong. The things I like best about the blogs of my friends, even the friends that I haven't met, is that it seems like I know them better through what they write. Their little posts and not so little posts and even their lengthy monologues seem real and authentic, like something out of a Garrison Keilor story where you know the characters and sense their personhood before you know their names or their story. The bloggers I love the best are the ones whose thoughts and words flow out of the core of who they are.

I guess I'm somewhat embarrassed to say that I'm often self-conscious about writing who I am and what I think about things. It just seems that I feel I have to write for someone else. I don't know why I think that, but I do. So I wondered how my voice (my blog voice that is) would sound different if I wrote like no one was ever going to read it. Someone who knows me well mentioned to me one time that if they only knew me through my blog, they would imagine me much differently than I actually am... or atleast they would imagine me much differently than they currently know me. Especially on issues regarding the Church and faith, they said that the "me" that they know from walking around and talking around is much different from the "me" that is sometimes represented.

Perhaps it's the ease of not having to look at someone face to face, or the safety of my laptop screen between the rest of the world and myself, but I find that's often the case. I'm a bold son of a gun on the instant messenger, I promise you that. But it's funny that they said the same thing about the apostle Paul. I've often remarked about how similar he and I are. Then again, not really.

So anyway, by way of the bullet point, a few clarifications that I feel are in order...

• I love the Church. Seriously, it's the best thing going. I think that too often I spend too much time raising questions about the "establishment" and not enough time celebrating the really good parts about it. For the sake of truthful representation, for every Ted Haggard piece I post, I need to post a piece about the Church being the truly restorative and wonderful thing that it is.
• I think that globally, per capita, Christians are the most generous, caring, and gracious demographic (so we're just a demographic now?) on the planet. When I think about the AIDS pandemic (it's the right word, but I don't like it. I just had to say that) in Africa, I think (without having any stats) that most of the hospitals and aid comes in one way or another from a Christ-follower with a passion. I think of orphanages, hosptials, engineers, farmers, and a whole host of other functions that Christians fill when they could be doing something else.
• I think Christians should do better. The hard part about that sentence is that I don't intend it as a comparison. I don't mean "Christians should do better than [insert demographic label here]" because for the most part, I think Christians do better. What I mean, generally speaking, is that there are still hurts, wounds, and tears out there. It's not that we don't do anything, it's that there's still more to do. I begin by looking in the mirror. Honestly, what keeps me from doing more? In one instance, I could do more financially, except that I am afraid that if I give more, I won't have enough for me. Christ said that wouldn't be the case (Matt 6). This is a real conviction for me, and I think that too often I spend time on this conviction without mentioning the first two convictions.

Every faith step I take leads me to another. That's the journey metaphor. If life is a journey, then it doesn't end. When I stop taking steps, then I stop being on a journey and start being at a destination. That's why I say the Church can do more. Bill Hybels often says that the Church is the hope of the world. I couldn't agree more. As far as Christians go, I'm fat and lazy. The only reason I say that is because when I close my eyes and dream, I know that I'm not yet where I should be or even where I could be. When I realize that, I'm not defeated or deflated, I'm motivated. I hear the voice of Father calling me forward again. It's uncomfortable and the more of "me" that I find, the more I realize that I want more of Christ.

So I'm grateful to be a part of something so amazing. It takes my breath away every time I hear about someone taking a first step or another step in faith. It takes my breath away because I can't think of one single time in my life where I've heard someone take a step of faith that cost them something and come back saying it wasn't worth it. Instead, I hear them talk about the abundance they found in their lack, the strength they found in their weakness, and sufficiency of grace.

Father, thank you for your Church. Thank you that you have given me a place. Who am I that you would consider me? Father, let your name find every ounce of glory that it is worth. Let your people move ever onward under your guidance and leadership. Let your Kingdom come, on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.